PHILADELPHIA, Pa—Senator Barack Obama shocked even his most senior advisors in a speech yesterday when he claimed that he was an “elitist, ultra-iberal bastard.”

The unprecedented remarks came as the Democratic front-runner stood next to the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia with a look of confidence that has been missing from his recent appearances.

“My fellow Americans,” Obama began, in what was the only part of his speech that could be described as conventional. Then he paused for a full ten seconds before saying, “Since I’m an elitist, I can memorize my speeches and ad-lib a lot. Bush is far from being an elitist, and he can’t even give a decent speech with a teleprompter. Tonight, I don't have a speech. So we’ll see what happens.”
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ALTOONA, PA—While talking to reporters about his stance on illegal immigration Wednesday, John McCain abruptly paused mid-sentence and loudly sighed, “Ahhh...”

He then continued to provide details on his plan to secure the Mexican border.

Because The Gay Black Jew reporter who normally covers the McCain beat was recently attacked by an angry Christian mob, I had to cover for him.

This major scoop promises to permanently alter the 2008 Presidential election, and I was uniquely qualified to break the story.

McCain’s dramatic mid-sentence sigh made me very curious. Was he just tired from campaigning? No, it wasn’t a tired sigh. It seemed like there was an odd element of pleasure involved.

Then I noticed that his pants seemed a bit puffy around the waist. I was immediately reminded of delivering Depends undergarments to nursing home residents while working for my parents’ pharmacy in high school.

As usual, the major network and cable news reporters were in front, asking about different policy positions and past votes in Congress. The questions were boring, and I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spice things up.

I wasn’t just in the back of the group of reporters. I was also behind a row of bushes and my view was obstructed by a large willow tree.
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It's been a hectic week here at The Gay Black Jew. Dozens of phones have been ringing almost non-stop and we've rarely had time to eat my special pink bagels topped with fried chicken skin.

Last week, the Clinton and Obama campaigns devoted at least a dozen staff members each in an effort to prevent an endorsement by The Gay Black Jew.

WASHINGTON, DC—While there are many signs of President Bush’s flagging popularity, perhaps none is as telling as his precipitous fall on MySpace.

The President’s “friend’s space” has dwindled from a high of 11.2 million shortly after 9/11, to an astonishingly paltry eight friends—and that includes Tom, the MySpace guy who’s automatically everyone’s friend.

When President Bush isn’t “using the Google” on “the internets,” he used to enjoy keeping in touch with friends on MySpace. CONTINUE STORY

Yesterday the Liars Guild of America (LGA) joined the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike. As a result, The O’Reilly Factor on FOX News will be forced into reruns immediately.

Bill O’Reilly refused to comment for this story. Howard Kurtz, a media analyst for The Washington Post, thinks this could be the end of O’Reilly’s top-rated show.

“Now that O’Reilly’s ‘No-Spin Zone’ has been exposed as an All-Lies Zone, I don’t see how he can ever come back,” Kurtz predicted.

This morning, FoxNews.com reported that Obama’s cousin’s uncle’s daughter’s boyfriend’s father’s barber might have been associated with a militant black nationalist group called "United to Kill Whitey" in the late 1960s.

The other top story was about the mother of an attractive, blonde, 17-year-old girl in Wilmington, North Carolina who was worried for at least ten minutes last night that her daughter might have been kidnapped.

CNN, however, reported that “Nothing Happened Today” in all news categories. CNN reporters joined the writer’s strike, but FOX News only employs Republican operatives, so it was not affected. CONTINUE STORY

In 2004, Senator Tom Coburn (R-Ok) stood on the floor of the Senate and made an impassioned plea:

“The gay community is the greatest threat to our freedom that we face today.”

Most senators, with the notable exception of Tom Delay, dismissed Coburn’s comment as an ignorant, paranoid and homophobic rant.      

But it turns out that he was right.
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SECRET LOCATION, Somewhere in U.S.—Happiness is not something Americans typically associate with terrorists. On TV they appear angry, fanatical and violent.

But Muhammed Muhammed al-Muhammed, who used to be al Qaeda’s "number three guy," is one of the happiest people I’ve ever met.

“If there is a heaven, almost all the virgins are going to be fat and ugly,” the former terrorist boldly claimed yesterday.

“Osama doesn’t tell you that. But a good-looking woman, even if she’s dressed like a beekeeper, is going to have sex before she dies. So all the virgins in heaven old enough to have tits are probably fat and ugly. It’s really just a simple logic problem, I don’t see why more terrorists can’t figure it out.”

With his Ray-Bans, black leather jacket, faded jeans and clean-shaven face, he certainly did not look like a terrorist.
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My parents have been gone for three weeks, and they left me to take care of their toy poodle puppy, which isn’t potty trained yet. My little puppy has been shitting and pissing all over the place. Not anymore!

You see, I believe in Britney Spears when she said, “I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.” Obviously, President Bush supports waterboarding, and I figured it might work on my puppy.
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An enormous explosion in the mountains of Pakistan yesterday was confirmed to be a low-yield nuclear device.

It was triggered in a remote area that CIA officials have confirmed as the location of a massive al-Qaeda meeting.

Ironically, U.S. aircraft were “within ten minutes of attacking the meeting,” according to Defense Secretary Gates.

While there is intense suspicion that the U.S. or another country dropped the nuke and doesn’t want to admit it, other signs point to a different explanation. CONTINUE STORY

“We’re going to burn down the whole world, because we don’t know,” the leader of an agnostic extremist group called Nobody Knows said yesterday in a video delivered to CBS News in Los Angeles.

Wearing a black ski mask with a white question mark, the unidentified man appeared in front of dozens of containers of gasoline.

“Most of the world thinks they know what nobody knows. But we know we don’t know, so we have to burn down the whole world and start from scratch. We’re sorry, but it’s the only way.”

At the end of the short video, dozens of men and women with flame throwers, all wearing black ski masks with a question mark, chant for two minutes: “We know we don’t know! We know we don’t know!” and then for another two minutes: “Nobody Knows! Nobody Knows!” Finally, they bow before a giant white question mark.
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Anita Williams is a stay-at-home mom and a devout Evangelical Christian. Early this morning, while ironing, she watched a report on results of a poll by FOX News.

The poll found that Republicans (74 percent) are twice as likely as Democrats (37 percent) to have included the President in their prayers.

As a proud Republican, Williams unplugged her iron and took a moment to pray for President Bush. She returned to finish her ironing, and then glanced back at the TV.

“I dropped my iron and burned my leg,” Williams said about the flashing FOX News Alert that stated “BREAKING NEWS: WAR ENDS IN IRAQ, BUSH FINDS PATH TO PEACE. TROOPS TO BEGIN WITHDRAWL…MORE TO COME…”
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Commercials for the new Dodge Blowjob begin airing tonight, and they take direct aim at a market segment currently dominated by one brand—GM’s Hummer. The 30-second spots begin with the massive, 10,000 pound Blowjob fighting to break loose from chains, its engine roaring as crowds gather.

With smoke machines and dramatic lighting, the Dodge Blowjob breaks through the chains and parades around, seemingly taunting the crowd.
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Michael Mulligan, a former Catholic priest, is struggling. He lost his job 15 years ago and he just got out of jail for sodomizing three young boys. He can’t find a job, he’s too young for Social Security and he doesn’t qualify for welfare.

“Al-Qaeda will never strike again,” the most notorious man in the world said in a tape released yesterday.

“I urge everyone in the world to stop, think, and realize that there is no invisible man,” bin Laden said, alongside four followers holding flowers.

“I and my followers have been incredibly stupid, violent, arrogant and oppressive,” bin Laden continued.

“This will go on no longer. As a sign of peace, al-Qaeda is carving a gigantic face of John Lennon on a beautiful Afghan mountainside.

“John Lennon was bold enough in his classic song, ‘Imagine,’ to call for an end to all religion. Listen to his words. If anyone is worthy of worship, it is John Lennon.”

Bin Laden reportedly was transformed by a clip of "Imagine" on youtube, displayed at the end of this story. CONTINUE STORY

Islamo-fascists have used videos effectively for years to recruit young Muslims.

Their impact in the Muslim world is undeniable.

Surprisingly, now al-Qaeda is also using a softer and more family-oriented strategy targeting emerging markets in Africa and South East Asia.

U.S. troops found these seven cards in Baghdad:

There is a growing movement in the entertainment industry to ban the use of the “N” word. Quietly, however, a movement is also building to fight the use of the term “white trash.”

Scooter Johnson is at the center of that movement as chairman of Taking out the Trash, a small group specifically created to fight a derogatory term generally aimed at poor white people. According to Johnson, “Trash are thrown away. People is not.”

Johnson is particularly sensitive to the term “white trash” because he used to be a trash man. “For three years, I ‘reckon I was ‘round trash fifty hours a week,” he recalled. “Women wouldn’t go near me ‘cause I reeked of trash. Even my trailer smelled like trash. I hate trash. Callin’ me trash, well, them’s fightin’ words.” CONTINUE STORY

“It was an extremely awkward situation,” recounts a producer for The O’Reilly Factor, who did not want to be identified. “We basically had an intervention for Dennis.”

It began with a short presentation of audience research showing that 99% of Miller’s references in his monologues are so obscure that 99% of the audience doesn’t get it.

Strangely, however, audiences seem to like the “Miller Time” segment because apparently they enjoy watching a man who’s supposed to be funny, but isn’t at all.

It’s like the popular appeal of some of the worst American Idol contestants.
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In high school, I was a nerd and a dork. My friends were nerds and dorks. But twelve years later, all these rock bands and hot chicks want to be my friend on MySpace!

Before she began to serve up to 45 days in jail, Paris Hilton expressed that her biggest worry is that she’ll only have up to one hour each day to watch C-SPAN. And that’s if she gets to pick the jail TV channel.

“I was, like, looking forward to watching Bradley Schlozman, former U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Missouri and senior official in the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division, testify today, like, in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. I think he may be the key to, like, the whole Attorney General scandal, which of course I’ve been, like, following very closely,” Hilton said yesterday.

With little or no opportunities to watch her beloved C-SPAN, Hilton plans on hours playing Sudoku, brushing up on international politics and reading books including War and Peace. She also hopes to learn more about yoga and spend a lot of time practicing transcendental meditation. CONTINUE STORY

About a month ago, I noticed lots of referrals from weird-news.blogspot.com in my web stats. Initially I thought, “Cool. They linked me."

But no, weird-news was stealing my stories and hotlinking all associated images. The blog has no contact information nor does it mention my site. Things have changed thanks to a tip from my web designer/editorial consultant. Check out what changing nine image file names can do to a content thief stealing your bandwidth too….

Here are 2 screenshots.

“Everyone talking about global warming has blinders on,” Department of Energy scientist Joshua Barton said yesterday at the start of our interview at his home in Northern Virginia.

Barton has long had a reputation for thinking outside the box, and he certainly wasn’t boxed in when he got dressed yesterday morning. For the interview, he was wearing the upper half of a shiny suit of medieval plate mail armor and a faded, blue Speedo bathing suit. He also had what looked to be a small radio antenna duct-taped to his armor-plated left shoulder, with wires leading under his armor.

Barton made it clear that he did not want to talk about his outfit.
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Note: If there were an editor for this site, this is what he or she might have said about the following story: “This is tasteless, highly offensive, creatively irresponsible and a national disgrace." But since the writer is the editor, he has different priorities.

Private Special Fantastic Johnson received his unique name spontaneously at birth. His dad first held him and said, “He’s special.” Then Special’s mom held him and screamed, “Yes, he’s fantastic!” Having debated on names for months, they quickly agreed on Special Fantastic.
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BAGHDAD, Iraq—With a war going on around them and evidence of sectarian violence by radical Muslims everywhere, thousands of Iraqi teenagers have quietly rejected Islam in surprisingly bold ways. A rebellious new group called The al-Bacon Brigade, for instance, is encouraging young men to masturbate, smoke hash, drink beer and eat bacon.

One member of The al-Bacon Brigade, who wore a black mask and would only give his first name, Ahmed, claimed that his fellow members have seen enough violence to realize the absurdity of Islam and all religions.
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With widespread expectations for an especially active hurricane season, yesterday Jesse Jackson held a news conference to highlight what he sees as a racial disparity in hurricane names. “America has come a long way in erasing its racist past,” Jackson began.

“But every time there’s a hurricane, it’s a reminder of a tortured history of exclusion. No black hurricane names. That’s racism.” With an unusually high number of hurricanes two years ago, the World Meteorological Organization ran out of names and had to resort to using Greek symbols.
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Now Krepshaw is expanding in a new direction. “One of the main concerns that our male customers have is whether or not they’ll get laid,” Krepshaw said. “'They worry that ‘It’s Just Lunch’ means ‘you’re not going to get laid but you’re going to pay for her lunch.’"

Katie Stevens, who has met three men through the Pittsburgh “It’s Just Lunch,” thinks it’s a great idea. “It’s perfect. It cuts through all the tension. I’d know right away that the guy wasn’t expecting sex—just a blowjob. And come on, it’s just a blowjob.”
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Marjorie McDonald has a very unique bumper sticker on the back of her SUV. She had to cut up three different stickers to make her unusual proclamation: “I Love Moths.”

Nobody sells such a bumper sticker, and McDonald blames a widespread anti-moth attitude. “Most people see moths as the bats of the insect world,” she claims.

McDonald recently inherited millions of dollars from her father, who made a fortune in the pine-bark mulch business.
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In 2005, 842 people paid Linda Grove $120 for a 30-minute aura reading. In classified ads, Grove boasted that by reading your aura, she could get in touch with the “true beauty of your inner self.”

Yesterday, an investigation by the criminal branch of the IRS concluded that Grove probably does see auras, but only because she had botched laser eye surgery in 1999.

The investigation started in 2004 after two of Grove’s customers compared notes on their experiences with the aura reader. Both women then filed formal complaints, alleging fraud. One of the women, who did not want her name used because she feels humiliated, provided a couple examples from her aura reading.

“Ms. Grove claimed that my aura showed that I would meet the man of my dreams at church sometime in the next six months," the woman began. "I'm a black lesbian Jew."
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