Soon, Everything Will Contain Peanuts

Every year since 1994, I’ve read each bill approved by Congress. It’s a commitment I’ve made to the American people and the best way for me to spot a government conspiracy. Usually the bills are very boring and sometimes I think I’m wasting my time. But then I’ll find something that makes it all worthwhile. This time that something was in the recently passed Farm Appropriations Bill or H.R. 4523.

Don't let our children grow up in a world made of peanuts.

The bill seemed harmless, until I got to paragraph 48, under article 3. “Beginning November 1st, 2009, to qualify for the tax break outlined in Section 2, paragraphs 12-15, every product must contain peanuts.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Every product must contain peanuts.  Obviously, every company is going to want the tax break, which leaves only one conclusion: Soon, everything will contain peanuts. I had to act fast, so I tried to call my senator. When my call wouldn't go through, I remembered that his office blocked my number four years ago. Like most politicians, he’s scared of the truth.

I’ve been watching the peanut industry for five years, ever since I bought a vanilla milk shake at McDonald’s that had a label saying, “May Contain Peanuts.” A vanilla shake should not contain peanuts. A five-year-old kid knows that. It perked my suspicion, and H.R. 4523 validated my years of diligent investigative work. It all fits together now.

Jimmy Carter was once a peanut farmer. He was also, as any good conspiracy theorist knows, the Illuminati Grandmaster from 1970 to 1984. It was the Illuminati and peanuts that allowed Carter’s rise to power. George Washington Carver discovered 300 uses for peanuts more than 100 years ago, and he was also a powerful member of the Illuminati.

And there's only one letter different in their last names...I don't know what it means yet, but obviously it means something. George W. Bush has had access to at least 500 times as many nuts as Carter ever had. It sounds funny, but nuts rule.

Since George Washington Carver's time, agricultural chemists have devised ways to incorporate peanuts in virtually every product we buy. Unless our government is stopped, that’s exactly what will happen. I realize today that in the complex world of geopolitics, it's not just who controls the oil, it's who grows the most peanuts. Trust me, I just know these things.

I can’t call my senator anymore, so I ask each of you to make that call. Tell your senator that you don’t want to buy a new car in 2010 and find out that it’s made with peanuts. So please, make the call. I would if I could.

Some Of the Guys Who Bag Groceries Don’t Just Bag Groceries

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Once I got to the cashier, I could immediately tell that the teenage bag boy was a spy. It was obvious. He looked at everything that I bought, carefully inspecting each item. Somebody obviously wanted to know what I was buying. Trust me, I just know these things.

Careful. He could be an industrial spy!

You have to protect yourself when you shop. I always wear a disguise, but I'm certainly not going to tell you what it is. When I go shopping, everyone looks so casual. That's because they're totally clueless about what's really going on. If you give your zip code when you check out at a place like Circuit City, for example, you're a complete fool.

Powerful companies want to know everything about you. And you're just going to casually give your zip code to a cashier? I can't help but feel like everyone around me is an idiot. That's why I don't go out much. Well, I don't go out at all, really. Except for groceries.

I used to only have to worry about the government watching me. Now, it's the government and dozens of multinational corporations. That’s why I have an arsenal of 24 different automatic assault rifles.

Nobody has the right to spy on me. I'm packing heat the next time I shop for groceries. This young spy, posing as a bag boy, probably left work that day and sold his information to some marketing company. Thanks to him, I'm going to be the victim of a barrage of junk mail and calculated psychological manipulations. I can't emphasize enough that you have to be careful. Rebates, sweepstakes, "bonus cards" at grocery stores--they can all destroy your life.

I don’t use coupons, for instance, and neither should you. Every time you use a coupon, it gets tracked to your address and then the mighty corporations know exactly where you live and what you eat for dinner every night. Don’t fall for the coupon conspiracy, you’re only whoring your identity and exposing your loved ones to vicious marketing attacks and high-tech psychological warfare.

Every month, I get one piece of mail. And I'm certainly not going to say what it is. I don’t trust the mail, and my mail man knows that if I get more than one piece of mail each month, he's going to hear from me. I also pay all my bills with money orders, because, of course, it's the only safe way to go.

Next month, I’m going to get at least four pieces of mail, I just know it, and that makes me really mad. Don’t let the bag boys catch you. Bag your own groceries. I just hope that little punk doesn’t know why I bought six gallons of lemon juice. Thanks to him, I've got to find a new place to live. Lately, I've had to do that every couple months. It's true....they're watching you........but only if you really know what's going on. Like me. I just know these things.

I Don’t Have a Computer Chip in My Head, But...

I may not have a computer chip in my head, but I know that my big toe is sending signals to a satellite. I can feel it. Somebody is monitoring everything from my heart rate to when I take a dump. They’re watching me big time. They know that I know. And I’ve known that they’ve known that I know before they even knew about me. I just know these things.

The CIA wants you to believe it's in your head. Check your big toes.

So I keep my big toe covered with aluminum foil at all times. I think it disrupts the satellite signal. But yesterday I saw a website that recommended duct tape, so I use both.

You have to protect yourself. I’m not saying that everybody is hooked up to a satellite like me. Only a handful of enlightened people in the world actually know what’s going on. Like me.

To the government, I’m dangerous. Just because of what I know. That’s why they watch me. A couple weeks ago, I almost cut off my big toe. I was really close. But then I saw that web site that recommended duct tape, so I’m trying that.

But I’ll know if it’s not working. You wouldn’t understand. I just know these things.



Yellow #6 is Actually Orange

Yesterday I was eating lunch and watching CNN when a very disturbing message scrolled at the bottom of the screen: “FDA reports Yellow #6 is actually orange.” To most people this would seem like a piece of trivial news filling space on a slow news day. But for me, it changed everything.

Don't worry about terrorism, worry about Yellow #6.

He was too good for rock 'n roll.

The last time I got in trouble, I revealed government secrets about how they’re using fluoride in water to control minds. The agents showed up at my door disguised as Hari Krishnas, and they wouldn’t go away. That was my warning. Few people know this, but Hari Krishnas are mostly just a front for the FBI. It gives them an excuse to bother people at any time. Uh oh, I may have said too much.