In June 2007, Sportsbook.com took a stab at handicapping the 2008 presidential election. Hillary Clinton led with 7-2 odds, followed by Rudy Giuliani at 10-1. Bill O’Reilly, who never mentioned any plans to run for president, was listed at 750-1.

Soon those odds will change. Yesterday O’Reilly formally announced his late-entry into the presidential race, including an extremely controversial strategy for running against Obama and McCain.

“I didn’t want to run as a republican,” he told Sean Hannity in his first interview last night. “I’ve always been an independent, and third-party candidates have never had a chance.”

After Hannity briefly defended the Republican Party, O’Reilly told him to shut up. Then he continued.
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High-definition TV is changing not only the picture that viewers see, but also the makeup and lighting schemes used to manipulate that picture. Many in the TV and movie businesses are increasingly concerned about the unprecedented level of clarity and detail the new format delivers. Now they have to worry about things that never mattered before—like an errant nose hair or tiny skin blemishes. Yesterday, HDTV claimed its first victim, Fox’s Bill O’Reilly. But it wasn’t a tiny detail—it was his entire face.

Before HDTV, a team of 42 highly skilled makeup artists had been mostly successful at concealing O’Reilly’s monster-like appearance. After reviewing tapes of The Factor’s first HDTV broadcast, however, 12 makeup artists quit.
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Arthur McDaniel is not a happy man. He works sixty hours a week as a heavy equipment operator, but it just isn’t enough. He has child support and mortgage payments as well as credit card debts that force him to cut many corners. Today, Arthur's life no longer has any corners to cut. He lives in a circle. Six months ago, as he was looking at all his unpaid bills, he thought about a famous classmate he had in 4th and 5th grade.

That classmate is FOX News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who is now worth a few hundred million dollars.
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Fox News made a cost-cutting move yesterday in response to declining ratings for The O'Reilly Factor. "FactorFact®" manufacturing operations will now be based in Bejing, China. A spokesman for Fox News, Beverly DiMarko, acknowledged the loss of jobs created by the outsourcing maneuver, but focused on the greater fact-manufacturing capabilities FOX News will have and the newly trademarked "FactorFacts®".

“Although the loss of jobs here is unfortunate," Dimarko said, "Fox News commentators like Bill O’Reilly will now have even more FactorFacts® at their disposal.
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LONG ISLAND, NY—A proctologist removed Bill O’Reilly’s head from his ass yesterday, in a grueling 7-hour operation that was deemed a “textbook head-from-ass removal.” But after blinking three times, the popular FOX News commentator dove right back in.

According to sources at the hospital, O'Reilly screamed about the light, and after three or four seconds, he executed an impressive acrobatic maneuver that lodged his head back inside his inflamed and grossly expanded colon. According to one nurse, once he was back inside he started laughing.
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Bill O’Reilly’s head got stuck in the main stream of America yesterday, causing massive flooding. The mighty stream, which has flowed relatively true to its banks for many years, is threatening to become a stagnant swamp populated by narrow-minded, sexist, homophobic, racist idiots with their heads permanently buried in O’Reilly’s ass.

O’Reilly’s head used to be safely contained in an isolated tributary that eventually fed the main stream. But since his head arrived on the main stream, the stream has not flowed smoothly.
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Expanding on his boycott nearly three years ago of products made in France and an earlier call to boycott Pepsi, Bill O’Reilly yesterday called for Americans to ban all competitors to his “Factor Gear.”

O’Reilly took an oath on his cable news show The O’Reilly Factor last night claiming that every coffee mug, windbreaker, t-shirt, keychain—all his Factor Gear—was specifically made in countries other than France.

“In this new age of globalization,” O’Reilly stated in a press release, “You really don’t know where stuff is made. It may say Mexico, but it could be France. The label on your sweat shirt may read Indonesia, but it could have been made in France. You may see a stamp on your baseball cap that reads, ‘Made in Taiwan,’ but it might have been made in France.”
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This section is a series of public service messages. Bill O'Reilly helped inspire this site. The Gay Black Jew got a B.A. in journalism. He is a news junkie, and Bill O'Reilly spews out junk news. The fact that Bill has the audacity to use the term "No Spin Zone," drives The Gay Black Jew crazy. If you believe and trust Bill O'Reilly as a source of news, obviously you must have dropped out of high school or simply don't read real news. The man shamelessly spews out misinformation and, with the highest-rated cable "news" show, he is infecting millions of vulnerable and compromised brains.

I called in once to his national "Radio Factor" show to contest his absurd claim that "Bush had done more to help the poor than any American president." He cut me off after 8 seconds, said that I was "spiking my Kool-Aid with gin" and berated me for 2 minutes, later referring to me as "The Moron from Maryland." I had vodka in my kool-aid, Bill, not gin.

But he never addressed the point I tried to make. He cited figures showing that federal spending on programs for the poor was higher under Bush than Clinton. In eight seconds, I could only say that when there are more poor people, and they automatically qualify for entitlements, spending more money on the poor is actually a bad thing. Spending more money = more poor people (given the fact that no new entitlement programs were enacted under Bush for the period in question).

Interestingly, he has repeatedly said that if you get in a debate with someone, and they resort to personal attacks, then they can't beat you on the facts. He resorted to personal attacks.

Jon Stewart recently got in a great line when Mr. Bill was on The Daily Show. O'Reilly complained that The Daily Show tried to make fun of the hurricanes. Jon Stewart said, "I do admit, sometimes we add insult to injury." O'Reilly pandered to the crowd: "See, he's honest..." Then Stewart shot back: "But you add injury." Thanks, Jon.

Factor Fact: O'Reilly considers the ACLU to be the greatest threat to freedom in America, more so even than Al Queda. I recently joined the ACLU. I don't always agree with the battles they fight, but I understand that sometimes you have to fight unpopular battles in order to prevent a slow erosion of our freedom. In conclusion, Bill is a prominent warrior in the Culture War, and he will be ruthlessly attacked in this section as inspiration permits.