CVS, Walgreens and Rite-Aid canceled plans yesterday to carry Breathe-Right’s controversial new nasal strip, “Snort-Right.” Many family and religious groups were threatening bans and protests, prompting each company’s decision.

Breathe-Right president Jack Ralston defended his company’s new product in a short interview yesterday. “A lot of people like to snort things up their nose,” Ralston said. “Some people snort snuff, some people snort other stuff. We don’t care what they snort. We only care about producing and marketing a product that makes snorting easier, faster and more efficient. And that’s exactly what we’ve done with Snort-Right. Don't just snort. Snort-Right.”
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Normally when seniors and marijuana are mentioned, it’s high school seniors. Today's senior citizens were never exposed to a single classroom “Just Say No” campaign. But almost all of them said no anyway.

Now many are saying yes. A national drug survey released yesterday showed the usual minor fluctuations in drug use, except for senior citizens. Marijuana use shot up 643% nationally for those over 65, baffling most drug policy analysts.

Jeremy Irons is one analyst who sees a clear explanation for the data.
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RALEIGH, NC–Smokers received some rare positive health news yesterday when one-man research firm One Nation Under Tobacco (1NUT) released the results of a two-year study

Five years ago, the 1NUT scientist John Mayberry designed an experiment to test his theory about the benefits of smoking.

One hundred young chimpanzees were taught to smoke cigarettes supplied by Phillip Morris. Another one hundred chimpanzees did not smoke. All other factors were held constant between the two test groups.

After two years, both the experimental smoking group and control non-smoking group were thrown into an empty two-story home that was then set on fire.
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LAS VEGAS, NV—Osama bin Laden was caught yesterday working in a dunk tank at a fairground next to Buffalo Bill’s Hotel and Casino.

Dozens of undercover FBI agents waited patiently for over thirty minutes until an 11-year-old boy hit the mark with a bean bag, sending the al Qaeda leader into the water.

Bin Laden surrendered immediately once he surfaced and saw at least 60 guns aimed at his head. For nearly two years, bin Laden made $13 an hour impersonating himself in the dunk tank.
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In the race to develop alternative fuels, hybrid and fuel cell cars have dominated recent discussions. But Honda, long known for innovative ideas, surprised everyone yesterday when they displayed a working prototype of a methane-powered car. A revolutionary laser ignition system, an electrostatic flatulence filter, and an unlikely breakthrough in dietary science made the big leap possible.

The ignition system and the filter were typical examples of Honda’s engineering prowess. But it was a new dietary supplement that allowed methane gas to even be considered as a viable fuel.
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WASHINGTON, DC--The Department of Homeland Security issued an alert yesterday to all airports warning of a terrorist who received plastic surgery in Pakistan and is planning to enter the U.S. at anytime.

According to counter-terrorism officials, the terrorist had at least three ounces of plastic explosives surgically inserted into his nose and set to detonate with a simple squeeze.

The nose is reportedly quite large, and the big nose bomber is believed to have a thick crust of fake boogers just inside the nostrils, to conceal the explosives.

Airports throughout the country were ordered to immediately begin inspecting passengers with large noses. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff organized a group of plastic surgeons to determine how big the nose would have to be. CONTINUE STORY

The History Channel is about to take reality TV to a whole new level. Gambia, the smallest country in Africa, will be invaded sometime in the next three months by a force of 500 mercenaries, hired by the cable channel, in a clever merger of history and reality. Camera crews are currently recording scenes in Gambia to establish a before invasion context for viewers.

History Channel program director Walt Harris was quick to defend the controversial new reality series. "Like the war in Iraq, the History Channel is engaged in a noble effort to bring the opportunities of democracy to suffering people in a distant land.
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The term pops up everywhere in discussion groups, private emails and chat rooms associated with the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA): “PABILF.” These six letters have puzzled FBI investigators for five months. While the first three letters are almost certainly an acronym for “pre-adolescent boy,” the remaining three letters continue to be a mystery.

The FBI has noted similarities with the term “MILF,” or “Mother I’d Like to Fuck.”
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In what many observers call the handiwork of New York publicist and celebrity crisis manager Howard Rubenstein, Michael Vick bought a toy poodle yesterday.

The white, female toy poodle, Vicky, is eight weeks old and weighs less than two pounds. Vick and Vicky were seen in several photo-ops yesterday.

His facial expression ranged from a pro wrestler forced to wear a pink dress to slight hints of anger and helplessness.
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First it was the iPod. Then on January 9th, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced that Apple would soon begin selling an iPhone. On that same day, Apple Computer, Inc. became Apple, Inc. It was clear that Apple wanted to move beyond computers. Analysts were still shocked, however, with the announcement yesterday of an upcoming Apple toilet with an integrated iMac called the iFlush.

But that’s not all. As of last night, there were indications that Apple is working on an iCar, an iHouse, an iJet, an iFridge, and even an iAircraft Carrier. There were also rumors about efforts by Apple to buy IHOP. A source at Apple, who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that Steve Jobs was in the process of changing his name to iSteve in order to help promote the new products.
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FORT BRAGG, NC—With the Army stretched thin and President Bush’s plans to send 21,500 more troops to Iraq, creative efforts are being made to recruit new soldiers for the impending “surge.” Starting Monday, for instance, Coca-Cola will bring back Surge soda and the Army will offer new recruits 5 free cases.

Mimicking the classic slogan, “Have a Coke and a Smile,” the Army and Coke will jointly produce ads using the tagline “Have a Surge and Go Fight in Iraq.” According to Coca-Cola spokeswoman Crystal Walker, “Surge was always promoted for an active lifestyle. Fighting in a war is the most active lifestyle you can have.”
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Now that I’m back from all the parties and interviews I can finally inform any readers who didn’t watch the Grammies about my great success. Some, like Bill O’Reilly, say the Grammies were rigged and point to the Dixie Chicks as evidence. But I’d like to believe that The Gay Black Jew won solely on merit and my wildly popular attacks on Christianity.

My cherished award, “Best Gay Black Jew Fight Song”was a new category this year. And I must admit—I knew I had a really good shot. I have friends in high places and, well, they may have pulled a few strings for me. In fact, I was the only possible nominee for my category. That probably helped.
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Results released yesterday from an annual survey of drug use among students nationwide showed a disappointing drop in test scores. Since President Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act, the emphasis on higher test scores has never been higher.

Specifically, in 2000, 37% of high school seniors reported smoking marijuana, while in 2006, that figure plummeted to 32%. The 5% drop in marijuana scores alarmed John Walters, Director of the Office of Drug Control Policy.

“Test scores for marijuana this year are lower than I expected,” Walters said yesterday.
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The seeds of Denver Mayor Tom Garner’s controversial new public restroom policy were planted while he was on a flight from Boston to Denver.

During the flight, he read a customer survey conducted by a popular restaurant chain. The most important concern for customers, the survey found, was not good food—but clean bathrooms.

Then Garner got off his plane and went to an airport bathroom. All the toilet seats were covered in urine.

“I was embarrassed,” Garner said, “And I knew that tourists were coming to Denver everyday and finding the same thing—urine all over the toilet seats.”
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Several days after the media began pondering the peculiar circumstances surrounding Shawn Hornbeck’s kidnapping, the truth finally came out. Hornbeck came forward yesterday and revealed his reasons for remaining quiet about his kidnapping when dealing with a police officer over a stolen bike months before he was found.

“Dude kidnaps me, right, but he’s all like cool about it,” Hornbeck began. “First thing he does is buy me a Nintendo Wii , an IPod, a bunch of games, CDs and DVDs. Then we went to his house, and he had like 300 channels of cable and a big high-definition TV.  I was so like, okay, I’m not leaving. My mom has been bitching at me lately and we don’t even have cable. You could say I mainly stayed because he had cable.”
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Meandering Brooks Mental Hospital is “90 miles away from the nearest brook”—and that one “doesn’t meander.” This didn’t make a “good first impression.” Admission to the facility was “excruciatingly time-consuming.” One meal was offered after four hours, consisting of “an apple and a packet of cheese and crackers.”

Seven hours after completing the paperwork a “small triple room” was “finally available.” At this time a belt and ballpoint pen were “immediately confiscated” due to policy involving the importance of having “nothing to kill yourself with.” Before the room could be adequately assessed, “it was determined” that the patient “exhibited bizarre behavior.” A new, temporary space was made available that was “much less accommodating.”

The “newly refurbished quiet room” had “fresh and fashionable padding” and “nothing to kill yourself with.”
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Many Americans still aren’t comfortable with corporate sponsors for college bowl games and sports arenas. But the sponsorship trend expanded yesterday, when financial problems forced two hospitals to accept corporate sponsors in order to avoid bankruptcy.

Christ’s Hospital, in Princeton, New Jersey, is now Christ’s FedEx Hospital, and Children’s Hospital Los Angeles is now Blockbuster’s Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.

The marketing director for Blockbuster’s Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, Phyllis McGee, was excited yesterday about the ten-year naming rights contract. “The hospital was losing money each year,” McGee said yesterday.

At Blockbuster’s Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, patients will enjoy unlimited free movie rentals in all rooms. Christ’s FedEx Hospital will offer up to ten free death notices sent overnight by FedEx for each patient who dies at the hospital. CONTINUE STORY

Missile defense tests have not been very successful in recent years. Various problems have prevented the difficult task of shooting down a missile traveling at a high rate of speed. But hope is not lost.

President Bush has endorsed the idea that Intelligent Design offers the key to a successful missile defense system (SDI). The thinking goes like this: God blesses America. If America were to come under a nuclear attack, God would intelligently design the missile defense system to ensure his blessed land remained free from a nuclear holocaust.

The two scientists worldwide who believe in Intelligent Design feel that no matter what malfunction could occur, god would fix the right transistors or realign the gyroscopes and GPS systems or whatever was necessary to protect the land he blesses.
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HOLYBROOKE, Nevada—The U.S. government spent $2.7 billion dollars in 2004 to keep nuclear waste safely contained and as far away from people as possible. Starting Monday, the government will charge $10 per person to get a close look at that same radioactive waste. Why? Because museum focus groups found that Americans like 'things that glow.'

For the press, the National Museum of Nuclear Waste opened its 8-inch thick steel doors yesterday in the sleepy town of Holybrooke, Nevada. Several dozen local residents picketed in front of the museum as the first visitors strolled in.

But the spirit of fun was in the air, and it was not to be denied by a few loud voices with signs. Soon the massive steel doors sealed out all the noise. Once my eyes adjusted, it was like a lava lamp and glow stick wonder world.
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Greta Van Susteren says she’s much happier now working for Fox News and lightly promoting her new book How Scientology Helped Me Become a Complete News Whore. “I feel like I have more freedom to pursue journalism that panders to the lowest common denominator, which comprises the entire viewing audience at Fox,” Van Susteren said yesterday.

“At CNN I was stuck reporting on stories like that dumb election recount. Now I’m free from that. CNN did a shameful job on the Natalee Holloway investigation. This was a young white woman. And she dissappeared. Right now, there are only 22,200 active FBI missing person cases for American women. I'm ashamed that I ever worked for CNN."
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